Mop the Floor with Them, Kids: the Floor Kids Review


I remember being a teenager and a member of my local 4-H Club in rural South Carolina. After meetings and in-between local, agriculturally minded community service projects, we’d drag some old cardboard boxes out to the big, green-steel barn. We’d pull the chain that opened the door and our crew would take over. The single pull-string light didn’t really light the room up all that well, but it was enough to illuminate our grey two-cassette deck boombox and the sweet amateur stylings of the swamp’s best up and coming break-dancers working out some sweet science on the dance floor.

All of this, of course is a lie. I don’t think I’ve ever been in any kind of shape to breakdance and I’m not even sure I could spell 4-H without the assistance of the internet. But, MERJ Media’s Floor Kids was such a fun trip that I couldn’t help but fantasize of an existence more danceable.

Floor Kids 1

Imagine this, but in a barn and that’s basically the fever dream I had.

Floor Kids is a rhythm-based skill game that has you pulling some sick moves all over the floor. It feels really reminiscent of old-school Parappa the Rapper style rhythm games, but leans more heavily towards the freestyle route. The game itself is relatively simple and that’s part of the appeal. You can easily be spinning on your head in short amount of time, but mastering it takes a little more work. The moves are broken down into four categories: Toprock (standing), Downrock (on the ground), Power (sick-ass spin moves), and Freeze (holding a tricky position while trying not to fall down.) While the music plays, you go out and freestyle the moves by tapping face buttons to the beat. Occasionally you’ll have special requests from the crowd and fulfilling these requests rewards more points. You’re able to play as one of eight dancers, each with their own specialties that add additional score modifiers by doing moves in their skill set. I was able to quickly pick up on the game and get out there, though my real-life twerking was nowhere near as good as the dancers in-game. Another interesting part of a round is that there’s a small breakdown section that happens where you must time button presses to specific beats in a song and then slap buttons like a mad-person to add points to your score.

The game comes with a story mode that allows you prove yourself on several different turfs and was a well-rounded romp. But, it really just allowed me to unlock songs for what I played the most of: Multiplayer. I love my wife very deeply. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, she has about as much rhythm as a caffeine-addled child receiving electroshock treatments. But I needed someone to test out this part of the game and the cats thumbs aren’t opposable, so she had to do. Once she learned the basics of the game, things got surprisingly competitive. Even more so once we figured out the “burn” system. In multiplayer, the person not dancing can still tap face buttons to the beat and begin filling a burn bar. Once filled, the person not dancing can tap a button and send a fireball projectile at the person dancing. If it connects, the person dancing loses their streak and is stunned for a bit. The dance does have a chance to shield themselves from the burn, but it’s tough trying to focus on dancing and keeping your opponent at bay. So after a while we had some really close matches and learned that neither us have that great of a sense of rhythm.

Floor Kids 2

Overall, had a great time with what MERJ Media has created. Definitely a good time alone or with a friend, but I’d say it’s better when you have someone else’s face to rub your sick moves into. Floor Kids is available now on Nintendo Switch, PC, PS4, and Xbox One.

The Highs:

Easy to learn, hard to master
Simple but sophisticated graphics
Amazing soundtrack

The Lows:

Questionable timing on some sections
Not for everyone

Bottom Line:

Definitely a buy. It’s inexpensive and a lot of fun. Get your crew and make it happen, baybeeeee.


About Author

Ryan Firster (Host & Writer)

Part-time comedian, part-time writer, full-time sexual icon for those that seek the underwhelming; Ryan Firster has always been in the shadows of Constantly Calibrating, biding his time. He is very excited for the opportunity to make his audience sigh in exasperation.

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