The Game of All Time for 2017

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Typically, during this time of year everyone is busy recapping the previous year. We go over all the triumphant smash hits, package them up nicely and stuff those bad boys in a time capsule for audiences of the future. Hell, this past Monday we recorded our yearly show discussing this very thing. But it’s a trite ritual and, while it’s fun to reminisce, we need to look at what our ever-expanding universe has given to us and come down to the nitty-gritty. What is the GAME OF ALL TIME…2017.

I’ve spent all week researching – poring over ancient leaflets, microfiche, and even a few Joystiq articles. The Charleston ConCal Laboratory/Velvet Bungalow has had non-stop deliveries of bunsen burners, particle colliders, artificial rhino horn aphrodisiacs, and microwaved pork rinds — I’m really glad we went ahead with Amazon Prime…so convenient. After what felt like years of hard work on my part, the week has finished, the deadline has arrived, and I’ve realized what the celestial divinities have been putting in our faces the whole damn time.

The Game of All Time 2017 is:

Bethesda’s The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.

I know this may come as a shock – it’s an alright game with a long history of bugs that have been around for so long that they are their own legends. However, this conclusion is based solely on the scientific fact that it has been released ON EVERY FORM OF MEDIA EVER AND WILL CONTINUE TO RELEASE UNTIL WE INEVEITABLY ERADICATE OURSELVES FROM EXISTENCE DUE TO A MIS-TIMED TWEET. Seriously, listing off every way you can play Skyrim is like the scene from Forest Gump where you find out all the ways you can cook shrimp – you can play it on Windows, PS3, Xbox 360, PS4, Xbox One, Switch, VR … it never ends.

I cannot find a controller for my copy of Skyrim on vinyl, though.

So, there you go. There is no arguing this evidence-based conclusion until the ban goes through and we can’t use those words anymore. Plus, even if you aren’t all scientific about it, all the karma waves from the Great Ones are really putting it out there for your mellow, so just like, abide.

 

I think I’ve eaten too many microwaved pork fat products.

We’ll see you in 2018 when we crown the next Game of All Time – I have an idea what it’ll be, though.

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Ryan Firster (Host & Writer)

Part-time comedian, part-time writer, full-time sexual icon for those that seek the underwhelming; Ryan Firster has always been in the shadows of Constantly Calibrating, biding his time. He is very excited for the opportunity to make his audience sigh in exasperation.

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